I live in an area that, time and again, is denied access to basic human rights. The right of individuals to choose what they want to see, hear and play.

There is a not so subtle, worldwide racism trend that media conglomerates have been pushing for decades.

I’m talking about media regioning. For a long time, it was DVDs, with many titles not seeing the light of day here, and new titles release dates being pushed further and futher back.

We had made great strides, with simultaneous worldwide release dates on many titles, and reducing the time for other new releases to a few weeks, instead of months or years.

Then someone went and invented broadband. Now, we want to watch and listen online. However, wallets at the ready, we are constantly bombarded with messages telling us that this video, and that song is not available in our region. What next, will you tell me I’m not allowed to call my grandmother because I’m not part of her racist region? This is our bus (video), you are not allowed to sit on (see) it, because of your race (region) – sound familiar?

I thought we were past denying people services, rights and access based on race, creed or colour (I know the human race still has religious issues, and ridiculously denies these same things based on that persons religion … but at least those tards aren’t hiding it under laws and regulations … maybe).

Come on world, get a grip, we’re all the same, we all like the same shit, and we’re all willing to pay for it. Media morons, do you really want to deny yourself a nice income from “the rest of the world” simply because you’re a bunch a racist bastards. Good grief, get over it!

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I was so taken aback by the incident, that I never performed my search, and I have been scarred once again until such time as I forget why I didn’t use this site the last time. Why would you do this? How could it possibly have any effect other than to send people away screaming in droves?

After I was over my intial shock, I did look again, and seriously, WTF, there’s not just a giant dominating kangaroo, but a tiny little freakish one staring out at me.

Not to mention all the other crap on the page, what on earth is this random shit about wanting to get buffed up for marsupials? Thanks Microsoft, but I’m not really into that, no matter what all that “anonymous” data you have collected on me tells you.

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The first step to strip mining your own backyard for maximum profit is to purchase the largest machine available.

We recommend the Bagger 288, anything less and you will only be out of pocket when you upgrade to this machine. And beleieve me, you will upgrade.

There are several other machines we recommend in this chapter, but if you are to put your heart and soul into this operation, you will know of nothing else.

Chapter 2: Getting Started

Strip mining is all about position. We recommend beginning in your own backyard for a practice run, go on, dig deep. Skimming the surface only ever leads to disappointment. Several hundred metres straight down, and a good square kilometer of your backyard should suffice as a good starting point.

The next step is to determine the best location for profit. I usually try my neighbours yards first, digging up just a few meters of top-soil. A couple of hundred neighbours later and you should have a prime position scoped out for your next square kilometer. Just make sure you chose the position that contains the hardest surface material, the most profitable materials and a good balance of the two.

Chapter 3: Identifying Materials

Now, this is arguably the most difficult task you will have in this operation. At least as a beginner.

You will need to research all the different materials and compositions you have, hopefully, collected by this stage from your digging operations.

Obvious materials such as diamond, anything that glows and gold-pressed latinum will be easy to spot and be your top priority. You will need to familiarise yourself with common and rare precious metals, their appearance in different environments, and relative worth.

Next, you need to be able to identify valuable scrap, those banana peels probably aren’t in that list, but that old cast-iron saucepan shop you dug up will be.

Chapter 4: Profit

This part is easy. Sell all your shit.

Tip: Sell your shit for as much as possible.

Ordering

To order your full copy of Strip Mining and You! Call 1300 2SCRAP now.

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This simple statement should be made an international standard, hereby dubbed ISO10+. I have been to numerous sites with almost as many age verification tactics. From the mundane, click “I Agree I am Old Enough” to the downright insulting, enter your birtdate.

Seriously, who, over the age of 9, would enter their real birthdate to access content on the itnernet. Let’s say you were not old enough, but still stupid enough to enter your birthdate. What happens when you are told you aren’t old enough? You go back and enter a new birthdate!

Does this really protect anyone, other than those with an IQ lower than my cat’s? Would anyone that couldn’t circumvent these age verification techniques even understand what lies beyond should they inadvertently gain access?

I know it’s a legal requirement, but couldn’t you make these things simple enough as to not annoy the millions who want to see your content. An “Are You Old Enough?” button is also much cheaper to develop than an entire your birthday form, it will also stop just as many illegal viewers. Shouldn’t it be enough to just let your visitor know that they me be about to view questionable content?

All my DVDs and games have a sticker on them to make sure I don’t watch them accidentally, but they function exactly the same as all the ones without stickers. Can’t we do the same for websites? A little MA15+ sticker in the top-right should be all we need. Then make sure the first page doesn’t have questionable content, and contains a link to the T&C of using the site. Just don’t bother me with it!

I would like to see statistics from some such website showing me how many people were born on 1st January, and how many people failed age verification and tried again 2 seconds later. Get some real stats on whether these things work before using them.

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But with the iPhone, I think the thing that would make me the happiest … would be, no more syncing.

I want this little bastard to stream my music direct from an audio cloud or some such, to every device I own that can output a sound.

It could be done, via another wireless audio gadget, that is cheap, and that I can hook up to anything via a single connection, with converters to my stereo inputs, my USB inputs, fuck it, even a converter that will connect directly to each of my individual 5.1 surround speakers! And make it wireless power too, so it can power all my devices, into a wireless power converter connected to every power plug in my house. I want my hair to frizz up more than a blonde on cup day, I want lightning strikes IN MY HOUSE damn-it!

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Or, perhaps it does. For I do not know any people like this, if I did, I would probably go out of my way to not know them for very long. Perhaps I have even done so unconsciously, as the very thought of knowing someone like this ranks up there with befriending someone who wears pants around their ankles, all the while believing it is somehow fashionable or practical. No, it is not.

These thoughts ultimately led me to believe that it would be possible for someone to use aforementioned people for personal gain. As they say, if you can’t beat them with a stick until they are bloody and pulpy and have learnt their lessons, profit from them.

I therefore propose the adjustable height cap. It would be just like the normal caps these people have on top, but underneath would be an ingenious system, whereby a tiny pole is mounted to the wearers head. Possibly using gaffer tape, or for the not so feint of heart, bolted directly into the skull (this would be my preferred  method for said people). The pole would then be used to raise the cap far above the head, where it serves its (unknown to me) cappy purpose.

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This question has plagued me time and time again. Why can’t we hate, dislike, give the thumbs down or reject anything anymore. I don’t remember the last time I went to a website where I could tell the world I don’t like your comment / photo / business. I have a single choice (which actually prevents it from being a choice) – like it – this is no more obvious than sites like Facebook, where all I can do is Like everything. Thing is, I don’t like everything that my friends and acquaintances do or think all day every day. I don’t agree with them constantly, in fact, many of them would attest that I never agree with them on anything, therefore the chance is even lower for people I don’t know.

Even in places where I have more than one option, none of those options let me say, I don’t like this, it is utter shit. No, they don’t even let me say it is bland, boring or even “I mostly agree with you, but there was that sentence where you offended all women, children and dogs on the planet at the same time, so I can’t like this”. So, I’m stuck with forever liking all toss-pots, bigots, morons and serial killers. Sometimes I wonder if these types, and more that we all dislike, are only increasing in number due to the fact that it has been made impossible for us to actually let them know that we don’t like them and their views.

These things don’t even have to extend to people, let’s say I discovered there was an asteroid hurtling towards us, and our impending doom was only days away. I could post it on Facebook, and if the whole world was reading my status, no one could click “That’s shit”, because it doesn’t exist. No, you’d all be forced to like the fact that you were going to burn a fiery death before being pummelled a kilometer into your local rock bed.

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There would be no other information other than date and time. This would let all your friends know you are on a coffee break, you’ve had 7 coffees today, or you’ve had coffees every day for the last 497 days without a break.

Your profile could then show a calendar of the days you missed out on coffee, so that you could take more care to fill in those days next time.

It’s what I imagine Twitter would be like. Pointless information that you think your friends read and care about, but they really don’t.

I visited Twitter the other day for the first time ever. I couldn’t find anywhere to show me what twitter looked like, all I could gather from the information on the site was that it was an SMS service on the Internet. You know what? I have a mobile phone. Screw you Twitter, I want my coffee.

whenihadmycoffee.com – Perfect for the caffeine addicts and moderators alike.

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I have a theory that there are more excellent ideas out there in the wild, held onto by people with no interest in ever realising those ideas themselves, than there are good ideas that were implemented. I believe this holds true for books, movies, games, inventions and scientific theorems.

I would like to start a website that collects these ideas. It would be divided into the above categories and more, and all the knowledge would be released to the world, for free. The information would specifically go to the kinds of people who realise ideas, you know, the ones who have lots of money, and crap ideas, and know how to make money from crap ideas. You know what, they could make more money off great ideas.

Now, don’t go whining that you won’t make any money off your ideas, cos, let’s face it, you were never going to do anything about your ideas. You’re too lazy, unmotivated, or will seriously never have that $100,000,000 startup cost you delude yourself into believing you’ll get.

Now, why am I posting this fantastic idea for all the world to take advantage of? Well, for all the reasons stated above, I will never build this site because I am lazy, unmotivated, and will seriously never have that $100,000,000 startup cost – you know, $5,000 for the website, and $99,995,000 for marketing.

But I am not finished, you see the beauty of this idea, is that the people with the ideas get something out of it. Before the website, those ideas would have been told to a few friends who told you you were an idiot, and you would have died with that knowledge. This way, when someone creates something from your idea, you can point to this website, and say – look, see that new #1 grossing movie of all time, that was my idea. And you would tell people to go to that page, and they could see the date on your idea, and go, wow, that really was you, you are truly awesome.

Therefore, when someone makes this site, my first post will be, look, this was my idea, and link back to my site.

Just to reiterate, my idea above is given to you all, for free. I’ll even throw in some more for free, idea rating system, so people can see the good ideas straight away, or look at the really bad ideas for a laugh.

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One of the unfortunate side-effects, of those diagnosed, is the rolfism. With a wealth of information at my disposal, over time, I will endeavour to explain, in layman’s terms, the societal hurdles experienced by myself, and people like me. As this is currently the only source of information for Rolfe Syndrome sufferers on the Internet, I will continue to keep everyone abreast of any new scientific discoveries, treatments and little red pills.

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